Wow it’s been a while since I’ve written on this blog! The holidays were absolutely crazy busy, and I had no time to update this blog! But maybe that’s a good thing considering what I did and more importantly, all that I ate during winter break. Now I can give you guys a full update of where I am in recovery post-winter break!
Let’s start with finals, the week before going home. That week was one of the most stressful weeks that I’ve had. This is my first time at a university, so it was definitely difficult to asses exactly how I needed to study since it’s a lot different than a junior college. I was tempted many times to revert to ED ways many times. And unfortunately, I did a couple times, but it’s gotten much better than before. I always like to say that recovery is like a cha-cha. One step back, two steps forward. You can’t expect to have a relapse-free journey. In fact, these moments help us gain more insight into what triggers us, and helps us prevent it from happening again in the future.
Coming home from school after being done with that hell-ish week was exactly what I needed. Once I came home, it felt like I never left! Plus, I got to see my boyfriend, Paul, pretty much right when I landed, which was such a treat after not seeing him for a couple weeks! I got to go to “Questmas,” a Quest company holiday party, which was a blast!
Up until Christmas, I was really just hanging out with family and friends! But…come the day-after-Christmas…day, that’s when all the fun started.
If you’ve been following me on Instagram lately, you’ve seen all this aaaaaah-mazing food I’ve been posting. None of it “healthy” whatsoever. I haven’t really posted in my captions anything about how I felt about eating all these foods, and I’ve been posting them so often, I figured I would do it in one blog post.
One of my best friends, Marissa and her boyfriend/my boyfriend’s brother, Joe, had this brilliant idea to do a “full day of eating.” This isn’t your typical “YouTube fitness guru” full day of eating though. This is legit, eating out at #foodporn restaurants/cafes/hole-in-the-walls/you name it. So Paul and I decided to do the same, but a different city of course because we gotta be original.
We hit up 6 places: Sidecar Donuts, Crepe Coop, Honey & Butter, GD Bro Burgers, Slapfish, and Afters Ice Cream.
Yes, it’s a lot of places, I know. My family was flabbergasted that we were actually going to hit up all those places in one day. I was too to be honest, but I was also super excited because I knew Paul and I were going to get amazing pictures, and we get to try amazing food! I’m all about honesty on this blog and Instagram though, so I will have to say it wasn’t an easy day to begin with.
First, we went to Sidecar, and got 4 donuts: Huckleberry, Maple Bacon (for Paul), their seasonal Gingerbread, and another seasonal Pear Charlotte!
I was fine at this stop because I didn’t have a full doughnut since we had 5 more stops, and also they were SO good! My favorite was the Gingerbread one by far! I also really recommend the Huckleberry doughnut if you aren’t visiting Sidecar during the holidays. Another thing that helped me was that Paul was enjoying his Maple Bacon doughnut seemingly without a care in the world, and was really enjoying the moment. Also this was the first time I’ve had a doughnut since middle school. So I was really glad there was no anxiety!
The second stop was was Crepe Coop!
I was really excited upon coming here because there was no line and also I’ve never had a crepe! Neither has Paul so it was an exciting moment for the both of us. I already knew I was going to get the Fruity Pebbles one because it sounded like a delicious classic! When I got the crepe, I was excited to dive into it, after taking pictures of course though. After we did take pictures, and we got out spoons to try it, that’s when the anxiety struck.
I beat around eating the ice cream and I ate the fruits and crepe instead. The whip cream was also giving me a tiny bit of anxiety, but I couldn’t really avoid that since it was in all the layers. I ate about half, which is what I had planned to eat anyways since we still had 4 more places to go, but half was half too much for ED. I excused myself to the restroom after throwing the rest away (Paul kindly told me I didn’t have to finish it if I didn’t want to), and was about to purge.
I stood in that stall for a good minute or two trying to make up my mind. A person was also in the bathroom washing her hands, so it would’ve been difficult anyways. I took a few breathers, told myself it’s only one day, came out of the stall, washed my hands, and went back outside where Paul was waiting. I didn’t tell him at the time what I had just gone through, but I learned later on when I DID tell him, there’s really nothing to be ashamed about. Your friends and loved ones only want the best for you.
The third stop was Honey & Butter!
Paul and I stopped here for the super cute macrons, and also a chance to see Michel from @FoodWithMichel. Which we did! We didn’t say anything to him though heh. We got these to go and didn’t actually eat them the day of the foodie run since we were both pretty full, but I did have part of the French Toast one later that week, which was waaay too sweet for me so I didn’t finish it. I gave my dad 2 other ones because to be honest, I don’t know if I would eat them on my own before they went bad. Just trying to be real.
The fourth stop was GD Bro Burgers!
THIS. WAS. SO GOOD! Paul and I came here to get their specialty raspberry buns, but unfortunately they were out! We still stayed and I’m so glad we did! Upon coming here, I was definitely nervous. A whole burger after some donuts and a crepe just seemed like a lot to me. Until I took a bite.
I was planning to only have half so I could save room for ice cream later on in the night, but I was actually kind of hungry and the burger was waaaaay too good to resist! I got the Italian Herb Chicken Sandwich (but still in a burger bun), that came with avocado, garlic aioli, tomato, spinach, and I added a fried egg for that #yolkporn.
Once I took a bite, I honestly wasn’t anxious at all anymore. Paul was enjoying his All-American burger, and I just told myself to enjoy the moment as well. Plus, if you break it down, the burger was actually filled with pretty nutritious stuff! Healthy fats from the avocado, great protein source from the chicken, carb source from the fresh toasted bun, and even veggies from the tomato and spinach. All in all, a very complete meal in my opinion!
Fifth stop was Slapfish!
This wasn’t the actual roll we got since the lighting was awful, so this is from a Slapfish soft opening I had the pleasure of going to, but it’s the same idea!
I didn’t have much of this at all because I was actually really full from the burger. I did have a small bite though and it was amazing! I didn’t really feel anxiety here because I was full and I was listening to my hunger/fullness cues. I had a taste so I could say that I tried it, and I was done! No overeating/undereating at all.
Final stop of the night was Afters Ice Cream!
I was excited for this one the most! I don’t think I’ve ever bought ice cream outside of Disneyland, and even then, I’ve had Disneyland ice cream about 3 times (thanks to my sister Michelle for introducing it to me!). So this was definitely supposed to be a huge challenge, since sugar is probably my number one fear food, but I actually wasn’t anxious at all! Probably because Afters has amazing flavors, I kept repeating positive mantras in my head since my freak out at Crepe Coop, and I was with the most amazing guy.
Overall, I had a GREAT day! It was so challenging, and it really tested my eating disorder, but I pushed through the tough moments.
I wanted to show you guys that even though I’m 2 years into recovery and I have a lot of knowledge on what triggers me, how to prevent relapses, and other useful tools when it comes to recovery, I still have moments where I’m really tested and tempted to go back to ED ways.
Recovery doesn’t happen overnight. Millions of people including myself is living proof of that statement. In fact, I met a girl 2 years ago at the NEDA walk saying she’s “5 years into recovery.” So don’t expect it to be a smooth ride. Get ready for (a lot of) bumps in the road. But in the end, I can guarantee it’s worth it. Even though I’m not fully recovered yet, I’m thankful for all the progress I’ve made. My struggles and efforts have allowed me to live again, and I wouldn’t have even been able to experience and enjoy this day with Paul.