This is a post I’ve been meaning to write, but either the timing didn’t work out, I’ve been really tired, or I just lacked the words to just start this blog piece. But today, the sense of urgency to post this is more prominent, and I finally feel the courage. So here it goes.
I am in the midst of a relapse.
Wow. That feels surreal to actually write that.
There are many, many factors that contribute to the relapse. Mostly school issues and stress that I won’t dive into in detail since that it a whole different story in itself. But the stress because of it all has definitely taken a toll on my emotional well being, and it’s been difficult to not take it out on old behaviors.
Luckily, I’ve caught myself early enough. I know the signs and I know how to differentiate the Ed voices from my own actual voice, which helps a tremendous amount when having to reevaluate my day-to-day decisions. However, I have to admit that doesn’t mean that I always listen to myself. There are days where I give in, or I don’t feel strong enough to push back.
I was really beating myself up for this. There is a constant war in my head of feeling guilty for following Ed behaviors, but also guilty feelings when I don’t follow Ed behaviors. It’s a tricky game.
Even though yes, I should be giving myself some tough love to keep myself on track, I should also give myself some relaxation. I have the tendency to always want to live up to my expectations, and then exceed them. I expect too much of myself in every aspect of my life, and it’s easy to get carried away. When I’m not met with the success I imagine in my head, I can get frustrated with myself, and then take it out on harmful behaviors. Even with recovery. It goes back to that mental battle. It’s a truly confusing and vicious cycle.
That’s why I’m finally posting this piece. I’ve told a few close friends, but I’ve kept it on the more private side since I was still trying to wrap my head around being in the middle of a relapse. Announcing it publicly though is like a way of keeping myself accountable, but also realizing that I have to really respect my body and mind too. I need to realize it’s not black-and-white, all-or-nothing, and to try not to go from one extreme to the other, and then “compensating,” and blahblahblah. It’s important to find that balance again, and to start treating myself with the love and care my body deserves.
I’m going to work on not being so hard on myself when I “mess up,” for lack of a better phrase, when it comes to recovery. But I also am working on realizing I need to get back on track before things get way out of hand. I’m already taking steps, like meeting with professionals.
I don’t doubt my skills when it comes to getting out of this relapse. I definitely won’t go back to as bad as I was before, but I can’t make promises on how fast or slow this process will go. I’m living each day hour-by-hour (which is actually a good sign since at my lowest days, I would have to take it second-by-second), and making sure I’m taking note of my mood and feelings.
I don’t want to worry anyone, and a part of me feels guilty for succumbing, and letting you guys down, or letting my followers down on Instagram. But I wanted to be honest, and want to be real with you guys. Sometimes difficult things in life happen, and you find yourself resorting to old behaviors, and you don’t realize it until it until you’re in the middle of it. And you know, sometimes it’s okay as long as you can pick yourself up, and take active steps to fix the destructive behaviors. I know it’ll get better. I have the tools, the resources, and the support. I won’t let myself slip deeper.