Phew! You made it through my whole entire mini series. Props to you if you read all of them, and all the little details.

Just a reminder, here are the other parts to the series:

Part 1: “Slip-Up” Update: A Foodie Adventure in San Francisco, Intro

Part 2: “Slip-Up” Update: A Foodie Adventure in San Francisco, Day 1

Part 3: “Slip-Up” Update: A Foodie Adventure in San Francisco, Day 2

I wasn’t originally going to include a conclusion, but the series feels a little incomplete without one. I decided to post this just as a little wrap-up of my thoughts and what I’ve learned from this past weekend.

Lesson #1: Food is not the enemy.

I know this already. In fact, I’m sure a lot of you know this already whether you’re struggling hard or further along into recovery. We know food isn’t the enemy, but our ED tries to tell us otherwise. This is why we have such a hard time with eating certain foods. It’s a mix of ED and what society tells us what’s “healthy” and “unhealthy.” But in reality, everything provides some type of nutrients. Yes, there are more nutrient-dense foods out there than some, but if you practice moderation and listen to your body and your cravings, there is no reason to eliminate any food from your diet because everything serves a purpose.  I mean, unless you have allergies or an intolerance, then it’s a good idea to stay away from some foods.

Lesson #2: Carbs are good for you.

Carbs is what really kept my energy up for the day. We weren’t only eating all day. We also were walking around and exploring different places, and I needed the fuel to support my activity. Carbs are a fast source and the preferred source of energy for our bodies, so it was important to have a balanced amount of carbs throughout the day. I haven’t been doing too well with that lately, but this weekend just reminded me how important they are! I felt more awake and in the moment than I have for the past couple months.

Lesson #3: Vegetables and protein bars are not the only food group.

Being on the go a lot, plus being in the midst of a slip-up, made me slowly go back to my orthorexia ways of believing my main source of food should come from vegetables, and then snacks could be protein bars. However, this weekend was a great reminder that there are so many other foods out there to have for snacks and meals!

For example, avocado toast or eggs with toast!

I’m definitely going to incorporate more toasts topped with delicious toppings for snacks now. I forgot how good it can be to eat real food over protein bars and straight up vegetables. Plus, they left me feeling more satisfied both physically and mentally.

In fact, I’ve been experiencing a lot of bloating lately, but this weekend, especially on Sunday, my bloating actually went down as I ate. I was in shock, but incredibly happy. I felt so much more energetic, lighter, and I felt like my body was happy for once.

Lesson #4: MODERATION IS KEY!

Gosh this is something I need to really remind myself of. I’ve gotten pretty good with savory foods since I’ve started recovery 2 years ago, but I still struggle with allowing myself to have sweets on my own. I can go out and get sweets with friends, which is still sometimes hard, but when it comes to being alone, I just have a hard time convincing myself to get sweets like ice cream. And then when I do, I go ham on it because I’ve deprived myself of it for so long.

But, I’m changing things right now. Since I’ve come back from this weekend, I’ve had an Oreo pretty much every night if I’m craving it. I’m going to try this out and see if it helps with my mentality and my cravings. I know a lot of people who do this, such as one of my best friends Michelle. She’s been telling me for years now that this is the way to go, and that sweets aren’t going to kill me if I have a little bit everyday or a little bit every week. And I do believe her because I see people who practice this! But it’s just a matter of really convincing myself and giving in to the facts.

Well, that’s the end of this series! I hope you all enjoyed it, and learned something from it. If you just read it for entertainment, then thank you for listening to my ramblings and my eye-opening moments.

If you’d like and not already, you can follow me @hungrygirl325 on Instagram for more food pics, life updates, and recipes!

You can email me too at hana.brannigan@gmail.com for any questions.

 

 

Hey everyone! Welcome to Part 3/Day 2 of my mini series on my recent foodie adventure weekend in SF!

If you missed it, here is Part 1/Intro to the series.

Here is Part 2/Day 1 of the series.

Here is Part 4/Conclusion.

Okay here we go!

Place #1: Mr. Holmes Bakehouse

This was one of two things my boyfriend, Paul, and I got at Mr. Holmes Bakehouse. We’ve been wanting to go so bad ever since we went to my friend Marissa’s graduation party and of course, like the typical foodies we are, were watching Food Network. We really wanted the cruffin, but we woke up too late and then we were too lazy leaving the hotel. Oops! This donut was not a loss though. In fact, I’m kind of glad we missed the cruffin because this donut was to DIE for! The citrus and tropical flavors of the guava filling paired amazing with the super fluffy and light donut.

Usually this would give me anxiety, but in all honesty, donuts aren’t as high in calories as I thought they were. Yes, maybe that’s a “bad” or wrong way of getting over a fear food, but it is an accomplishment still being able to eat it and accept it rather than blowing it all out of proportion, getting an anxiety attack, making things difficult, and ruining the day already. Still, I recognize that I shouldn’t be okay with eating something just because it’s not as high calories as I believed. It’s something to work on!

This was the second thing we got from Mr. Homes Bakehouse! It was a shortbread cookie “thing” (I don’t really remember what the guy said), with white chocolate mousse and chocolate fudge on top. I was more scared for this than I was with the donut since it’s more dense for such a small little thing. I did try it though. It was good, but I don’t think I could’ve taken more than a couple bites because it left me pretty thirsty and it was pretty rich. Although I probably could’ve ate a million of the fudge pieces! No guilt after eating this, which is good considering that I was nervous and sugar is still my number 1 fear food!

Place #2: Mazarine Coffee

Okay, so I’ve seen the famous avocado toast all over Instagram, but I’ve never tried it myself because either I’ve been too lazy to go buy bread and avocado or ED didn’t allow it because bread + fat (even though it’s healthy fat). But something about having it from a cafe didn’t scare me! I was actually really excited to try my first avocado toast.

When they gave me the plate, I froze for a second because there was OIL on it *cue dramatic music*. Oh the horror! At least for my ED. Avocado and oil just seemed unnecessary added calories. However, I still ate it, and it was amazing. I still don’t think the oil was necessary, but that is coming from the real me. I feel like it just didn’t really add any flavor, even though I know they wouldn’t put it on the toast if it didn’t add anything.

There was also cream cheese on the toast, which surprised me.

It felt like something I was so excited for was just giving me a challenge after challenge. But I finished it and it was delicious. I’m so happy I got to try it, and it was an incredibly healthy snack/afternoon meal.

Actually it was from this meal that I was hit with the realization that there are so many other foods out there that aren’t vegetables that would leave me feeling really good inside, give me lots of nutrients, and satisfy me. Who knew this simple piece of toast would impact me so much?

Place #3: Super Duper Burgers

I feel like burgers are not even a challenge for me anymore. I was seriously looking forward to coming here! Plus I was hungry, so it was perfect we were going to a burger place.

I got the veggie burger. The menu was a little limited, so this was the only thing that really sounded good to me. But I am not complaining! I was greeted with a fully stuffed burger that was dripping, but not overly saturated, with hummus! I also added grilled onions, mustard, and jalapenos because I love my spice! I wasn’t nervous about adding them either.

Burgers used to be a huge fear food. In fact, I’ve never had a burger until junior year of high school, and then the next time I had a burger was senior year of high school. Even then I only had two burgers. The next time I had a  burger was when I started going out with Paul. But we get them so often, that I’ve just conquered burgers now! And I love them. Now I have to go out and get tons of burgers to make up for all the years lost of not having any!

I mention the fact that burgers have such a wrongfully negative stigma on them in my last post that you can read.

Place #4: Humphry Slocombe

This was the last place we went! I love ice cream and I do get it quite often I would say when I’m with Paul, so you would think that it’s not a fear food anymore, but unfortunately it still is. I have my on and off days with them. On my first food adventure with Paul, it wasn’t hard at all even though I was very anxious about it. However, for some reason after that time, I got more and more guilty about having ice cream. Instead of feeling more accomplished after having another cone, and feeling more confident in eating ice cream, ED kind of freaked out on me, and tries to tell me I don’t need it. ED can be weird like that though.

With this cone though, not only did I have this cone and ice cream and not even be tempted to purge afterwards, I also sampled almost all the ice creams that they had at the store. I think it helped that they had such unique flavors, and I convinced myself I wasn’t going to have the opportunity to try these flavors again anytime soon.

Ice cream flavors at this place included flavors such as Mint Chip Pepper (super unique and more a savory ice cream that actually wasn’t that bad), Wine & Cheese (noooooo thank you! But interesting idea), Elvis (omg yes except there was bacon which was a turn off…sorry Paul!), and Secret Breakfast (it had bourbon and it was good, but I could taste the alcohol). I went with the Kumquat Poppy Seed though because it was so refreshing and I love kumquats!

It was the perfect ending to the perfect weekend.

Part 1/Intro here.

Part 2/Day 1 here.

Part 4/Conclusion here.

Welcome to Day 1/Part 2 of my mini series on my SF adventure with Paul. I had a truly eye-opening experience, and that is why I decided to break this into a few parts.

Intro/Part 1 is right here.

Day 2/Part 3 is right here.

And the Conclusion/Part 4 is right here.

Alright let’s get into it!

Place #1: Farm : Table

I’ve come here before, and it really didn’t give me anxiety. It’s a big piece of toast with homemade mascarpone cheese, and a bunch of fresh fruit topped with crushed pistachios. The ED voice in me was saying the mascarpone and pistachios were too fattening and too calorie-dense, but I realize this is quite ridiculous. When these quick voices come up, I’ve learned to push it out by listing the benefits of each fear food. I can do this pretty well now, but at the beginning of recovery, it definitely took a lot more time to convince myself and be okay. There are hardly any pistachios on it, plus not to mention all the health benefits that come with it. And the mascarpone is ridiculously delicious, and there was a perfect amount. Place #1 down and conquered.

Place #2: Roam Artisan Burgers

My burger is on the bottom, but I am just incredibly proud of this shot, so I decided to include this picture! Every time I look at this picture, I have to be quite honest, I die because this place was so. Freaking. Good!

When I was deep into my ED, pictures like this would downright disgust me because I could never imagine myself eating it. All I saw was fat and grease and slob. Now that I’m mentally a lot more healthy, and I can think straight, I just want this burger in my hands again right now. Nothing in this burger gave me anxiety except for the cheese. Cheese is still a fear food for me, but I am trying to work on that. When I first started going on food adventures though, an egg in a burger really made me nervous. A patty and an egg just seemed like too much to handle. ED made me believe you could only have 1. I’ve conquered that fear, so now it’s only the cheese that gets to me.

In all honesty, society puts such a bad stigma on burgers, but I don’t see the “bad” in them anymore. Take my burger for example. It has a healthy dose of carbs from the bun. A turkey patty has lots of protein. An egg has healthy fats and also some protein. Then there are the veggies (I don’t think I have to explain that). And lastly, cheese for calcium. And sweet chili sauce for taste, plus I’m sure there are some nutrients in there because of the chili. See? Nothing is “bad” for you. No food is “bad.” They all serve a purpose.

Place #3: Tacolicious

Okay, not gonna lie, but this place gave me a tad bit of anxiety. The fact that there are 2 tortillas, the authentic way I should mention, gave me the most anxiety because my ED said that there was no point in having 2 tortillas when I could taste the food just fine with 1 tortilla. I ordered 4 and Paul ordered 4 as well.

These were my 4! I had 2 chicken ones, 1 fish one, and 1 butternut squash/leek/pumpkin seed/fontina cheese one. I ate the last 2, all doubled-up tortillas and all, and then I had a bite of the other 2 because I was actually getting pretty full. When I started eating, it wasn’t as hard as I anticipated. They were super good tacos too!

Sometimes when I’m super anxious about a food, I don’t taste the goodness of it because the ED is so loud. I think I could have enjoyed these tacos just a little bit more due to the slight anxiety that I was experiencing, but they were still delicious. I ate some chips too, which I wasn’t “planning” on eating, but they sounded so good with salsa!

We were going to go get ice cream, but the place we went to was closed due to the rain unfortunately. It was raining so hard and getting kind of late, so we ended up not going out for dessert, but we did snack back at the hotel. That was the end of day 1!

Again, the Intro/Part 1 can be found right here. Day 2/Part 3 is here. Conclusion/Part 4 here.

 

 

Hey guys! I wanted to update you all on where I stand with recovery right now. I mentioned in a previous post that I was struggling. Some things happened with school, and it seemed like the bad news kept coming one after another. This took a toll on me, and I reverted to what I used to give me temporary comfort: ED.

It makes sense. I am much stronger than I used to be, but slip-ups are common (I refuse to call this a relapse), and this was a very difficult situation to be in. I beat myself up for it at first, but now instead of wasting my time giving myself a pity-party, and toying with giving into ED, I’m trying to take action yet also learning to be gracious to myself. It’s a difficult balance to achieve, but I feel like I’m doing better than I was these past couple months.

This past weekend, I spent another wonderful weekend with my boyfriend, Paul, in SF. If you guys know our Instagrams, you know that we love to go out and try new foods all over California whenever we’re able to see each other. Of course, having an eating disorder does make this difficult at times. I wrote an article about it if you want to read it here.

This weekend though, I realized what it truly meant to be balanced again in terms of food. With this slip-up, I’ve noticed the orthorexia crept back into my head, and convinced me vegetables was the main substance I needed, and if I had anything else, it must still be “healthy.”

However, this past weekend, I was reminded of what it truly meant to be healthy. I  remembered that this meant not restricting yourself from foods that you enjoy, truly being in the moment with good company and good food, savoring delicious meals, treating yourself to sweets just because, and not constantly worrying about going to the gym to exercise.

I decided to break this post into 3 more parts (4 parts in total) to really touch on what I was feeling with each meal. I know that when I was just starting my recovery journey, I was in desperate search for detailed descriptions of how people could possibly eat out and not feel guilty, or tips on how to lessen the guilt. I hope these in-depth descriptions of how I dealt with going out to 7 places in 1 weekend helps others as much as I believe it would have helped me!

Part 2: “Slip-Up” Update: A Foodie Adventure in San Francisco, Day 1

Part 3: “Slip-Up” Update: A Foodie Adventure in San Francisco, Day 2

Part 4: “Slip-Up” Update: A Foodie Adventure in San Francisco, Conclusion

 

This is a post I’ve been meaning to write, but either the timing didn’t work out, I’ve been really tired, or I just lacked the words to just start this blog piece. But today, the sense of urgency to post this is more prominent, and I finally feel the courage. So here it goes.

I am in the midst of a relapse.

Wow. That feels surreal to actually write that.

There are many, many factors that contribute to the relapse. Mostly school issues and stress that I won’t dive into in detail since that it a whole different story in itself. But the stress because of it all has definitely taken a toll on my emotional well being, and it’s been difficult to not take it out on old behaviors.

Luckily, I’ve caught myself early enough. I know the signs and I know how to differentiate the Ed voices from my own actual voice, which helps a tremendous amount when having to reevaluate my day-to-day decisions. However, I have to admit that doesn’t mean that I always listen to myself. There are days where I give in, or I don’t feel strong enough to push back.

I was really beating myself up for this. There is a constant war in my head of feeling guilty for following Ed behaviors, but also guilty feelings when I don’t follow Ed behaviors. It’s a tricky game.

Even though yes, I should be giving myself some tough love to keep myself on track, I should also give myself some relaxation. I have the tendency to always want to live up to my expectations, and then exceed them. I expect too much of myself in every aspect of my life, and it’s easy to get carried away. When I’m not met with the success I imagine in my head, I can get frustrated with myself, and then take it out on harmful behaviors. Even with recovery. It goes back to that mental battle. It’s a truly confusing and vicious cycle.

That’s why I’m finally posting this piece. I’ve told a few close friends, but I’ve kept it on the more private side since I was still trying to wrap my head around being in the middle of a relapse. Announcing it publicly though is like a way of keeping myself accountable, but also realizing that I have to really respect my body and mind too. I need to realize it’s not black-and-white, all-or-nothing, and to try not to go from one extreme to the other, and then “compensating,” and blahblahblah. It’s important to find that balance again, and to start treating myself with the love and care my body deserves.

I’m going to work on not being so hard on myself when I “mess up,” for lack of a better phrase, when it comes to recovery. But I also am working on realizing I need to get back on track before things get way out of hand. I’m already taking steps, like meeting with professionals.

I don’t doubt my skills when it comes to getting out of this relapse. I definitely won’t go back to as bad as I was before, but I can’t make promises on how fast or slow this process will go. I’m living each day hour-by-hour (which is actually a good sign since at my lowest days, I would have to take it second-by-second), and making sure I’m taking note of my mood and feelings.

I don’t want to worry anyone, and a part of me feels guilty for succumbing, and letting you guys down, or letting my followers down on Instagram. But I wanted to be honest, and want to be real with you guys. Sometimes difficult things in life happen, and you find yourself resorting to old behaviors, and you don’t realize it until it until you’re in the middle of it. And you know, sometimes it’s okay as long as you can pick yourself up, and take active steps to fix the destructive behaviors. I know it’ll get better. I have the tools, the resources, and the support. I won’t let myself slip deeper.

This post might have some terms that some people will be uncomfortable with, but I am not going to hold much back because I was always searching for someone’s journey to get their period back, but could never find any specifics. Please don’t take this as a sure way to get your period back, but rather look at it as a guide. This is my journey, and every body is different. That being said, I still hope it helps!

I will just start this blog post off strong, and just say it bluntly: yesterday I got my period! The first one since February 2013.

It was definitely a shock, but also it was 6 in the morning, so it didn’t hit me too hard since I was still trying to wake up and get ready for my first class of the day. I fumbled around and had to use one of my roommate’s pads since I haven’t had a reason to carry them around with me anymore. Then, when I actually did come around to wake up fully, I just went about my day, noticing the cramps here and there, but not really fully taking the time to realize this was the first time I’ve had my period in over 2 years.

The day was just very robotic now that I look back on it. It consisted of just school, studying, more school, more studying, and the gym. There was no time where I just stopped and thought about my journey. I am now realizing this is a common theme for me. For example, when my parents got a divorce, I kind of just let it fly over my head and not show any grieving emotion about the whole situation. Instead, I just went about my life still, happy and “normal.”

I’ve always thought that was strange: how I never really grieved (until freshman year of high school, but you can read that whole story in this blog post). But through recovery, I’ve learned this is actually pretty common. It’s just a defense mechanism so you don’t have to deal with heavy emotions. Heavy emotions can be extremely difficult to deal with, and we often have the perception that giving into these emotions will make you look weak, or it can just plain be scary thinking about having to deal with emotions. But like my therapist used to say all the time, “emotions are just like waves. They come and go.” They can come crashing down on you, or they can gently creep up on you and recede quickly. Either way, you can’t escape them, and they can sometimes be unpredictable. You just have to cope with them in a nondestructive way.

However, for anyone who is reading this, you probably have experienced coping with emotions in destructive ways through controlling food and exercise. And through this “coping mechanism,” you probably have experienced a change in your hormones as well.

If you’ve lost your period, you need to take a serious look at your exercise regimen and food intake. I get a lot of questions about how to get your period back, and although I’m not professional (…yet 😀 ), I can definitely share what I did throughout my journey. Hopefully it’ll help anyone struggling as well.

2013

I lost my period February 2013 due to eating less and still exercising a lot since I was still in synchronized swimming at the time. I was eating less unknowingly because I was stressed from school, and from swim since nationals and internationals was coming up. By the time winter came around of 2013, I realized I had developed an eating disorder, and was seeking support secretly through the Internet via Instagram, Yahoo Answers, YourEatopia.com, MyFitnessPal, and dozens of other outlets.

2013/2014

December 2013/January 2014 is when I finally opened up and started to seek for actual, in-person help. Then about February of 2014, I started purging and really over-exercising because I was dealing with extreme hunger, which was not helping my recovery in any way, and certainly didn’t help with getting my hormones back in order. But the urge was so addicting, I lost sight of my goals and I didn’t care about getting my period back. All I wanted was control again.

2014

In maybe May or April 2014 is when I snapped again, and decided I really needed to take recovery more seriously. I was just tired of hiding my purging addiction, getting isolated again, my throat feeling sore all the time, and the acid reflux. I tried to see a nutritionist, but she didn’t help, so I gained weight on my own. I gained about 10 lbs on my own while seeing a therapist one-on-one, and then stopped around June 2014 since I was happy where I was at, and I had just started a new job a month ago, so I was keeping busy with that. I also stopped exercising at this point for the summer because I was feeling dragged down by working out. By the time school came around, I started to workout again because I gained more weight and I felt a lot more energized.

2014/2015

Then in October 2014, I joined a group therapy back at the same place I was having one-on-one therapy. I was pretty scared at first, but it ended up being the best decision of my life. The therapy was covered by insurance, and we got to meet 3 days a week for 3 hours. At first, it seemed like tedious work, but then my mindset began to shift into more positive thinking, and more rational thinking. I began to really notice a pattern between certain emotions and my eating habits. I worked on different coping mechanisms, and really got to dip deep into my past and how it shapes who I am. I also got to work with an amazing nutritionist who knew exactly what to say, challenged myself and the other girls, and also made food seem not so scary. We set goals every session, so that helped me stay on track as well. The biggest plus though would have to be making friends with the girls in my group. We are still really good friends and I text them whenever I need some encouragement. They respond without hesitation and with open arms. It felt really good to have close friends who understand exactly what I was going through.

I started to eat a lot better, and wasn’t so scared of eating more because I saw the weight was finally distributing evenly and to good places. The more I gained weight, the more clear my head became. I reached my goal weight in May 2015, but still didn’t have my period.

2015

I was getting really worried since a couple months passed, and I over reached my goal weight by 5 lbs, but still no signs of a period. I went to go see the doctor, who recommended me to a gynecologist, and also to go get a scan of my uterus. We did some tests and found out my lining was extremely thin, and they wanted to put me on birth control pills, but I didn’t really want to go that route. Instead, I played the waiting game.

I still exercised, but I made sure to eat enough too. I maintained my weight, and finally on 10/1/2015, I got my period. It took 5 months after weight restoration, but that’s pretty normal. It’ll take time for it to come back even if you’re weight restored, so just be patient, be kind to your body, and practice a lot of self-love.

If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to email me at synchrogurl325@gmail.com!

Hey guys! It’s been a while since I’ve done a personal update on where I am in my recovery.

Actually, I think I only did one post on where I am in recovery about a year ago…oops! So, I figured it’s time to update where I am right now! I think it would be kind of fun to see where I am now versus where I was about a year ago when I first started this blog.

This is a great exercise for those of you struggling as well. Writing down your accomplishments during your recovery process is a huge motivation. I do recommend writing your accomplishments down because that way you can physically see how much you have conquered rather than trying to mentally picture it all. It can help encourage you along, and if you’ve been slipping, remind yourself of just how much you are actually capable of!

Alright let’s do this!

I first made a promise to myself on December 31, 2013 to start recovery. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I never imagined what an emotional roller coaster the recovery process would be, but what is a journey without roadblocks and obstacles? I wouldn’t have become the person I am today without all the struggles and set backs I had. The important thing is that I picked myself up from each temptation and each relapse, and I have become a stronger woman today as a result of it.

Let’s start from the beginning. Although I have written about it in my first recovery update, this post would feel incomplete without the full story. Especially since the ED fog has been lifted a significant amount, and I am more myself than I was when I wrote that post.

The Beginning: 1st Grade

I was in 1st grade when I had my first ED thought, though of course, being that young, I thought it was a normal thought. My best friend was always slimmer than me, just by genetics of course. I wished badly to be her. She was a smart girl, pretty, and slim. She seemed to have lost all her baby fat whereas my body on the other hand decided it wanted to stay a tad chubbier.

I was by no means even chubby. It was just me being a normal looking 1st/2nd grader. And this is purely the work of genetics as well. My younger cousins and I all held onto our baby fat just a little bit longer and then slimmed out at about junior high. Still, I did not know this at the time since I was so young. So I told myself my first lie: “I don’t like ice cream” because I heard it would make you fat. From then until the beginning of 2014, I pretty much never touched ice cream. Oh how glad am I that things have changed!

The Beginning: 5th through 8th Grade

Now was the time that everyone started going through puberty. I wasn’t really concerned with my changing body because quite frankly, I didn’t go through any huge changes. I leaned out and got slightly taller and that is about it! The only negative thing that happened was my face was breaking out like crazy. That was pretty difficult to deal with, but besides that, no negative changes with my body. But that might also be because I interpreted the nickname “milky” to be chubby. So I watched what I ate and I also joined the city synchronized swimming team.

Life was great until my parents got a divorce in 6th grade. I always found it unusual that I remained so calm about the whole split, and in fact, I became even happier. But I realized much, much later that this was a cover up from the emotions I was truly feeling.

Then I took a break from synchronized swimming because it was getting too much for me. Balancing it with a social life and school (I know, there are so many priorities in middle school 😉 ) became too hard for me. When I quit, I also started to skip breakfast. Then lunch. I still ate what I wanted though and didn’t have any “fear foods” yet. I just typically threw away my breakfast, and sometimes ate my lunch. I thrived off of people saying I was skinny, despite quitting “synchro” (as we call it for short). I even have notes and pictures in my diaries that I wrote/drew about my physical appearance back in middle school. Again though, I thought this was all normal.

The Middle: 9th Grade

Summer going into 9th grade, I started to develop social anxiety. This was a total shock because I was such a social butterfly in junior high. But my 2 best friends joined band camp together and really bonded while I felt out of the loop. I’m not blaming them for anything because it’s not my or their fault that I didn’t join too. It was their interests and I was happy they found something they enjoyed doing, I just didn’t like the fact that I came into high school not knowing anyone while they knew a lot of people from band camp. I’ll admit, I was jealous.

I was so used to not feeling left out, that I convinced myself there was a pattern to my social awkwardness. I developed a hypothesis that every other day during the school week was going to be a good day. So that means the other days of the week, I had to prepare myself for a very  awkward and depressing day. I used the word depressing very carefully because it’s such a serious word. But I honestly did feel depressed and I had thoughts of suicide. I would want to get a knife and hurt myself, but I couldn’t get myself to do it. Instead, I did other things like tug on my hair, pinch myself, or kicked things really hard. I also remember looking in the mirror wishing I could e anorexic. But never did I think I would become one because of my love affair with chocolate.

The Middle: 10th-12th Grade

In 10th grade, I got over my depression by joining synchro again and also joining the high school newspaper. I finally was engaging in things I really enjoyed, and that kept me happy. I regained my confidence again, and became happier. My eating habits also became more balanced, and food wasn’t the main focus on my mind. I only thought of it when I was hungry pretty much (which was often because swimming was very demanding). I loved food a lot! But I had a non-destructive relationship with it. I also got my first boyfriend in junior year. Things were absolutely fantastic.

Then senior year of high school, February 2013, I lost my period. I had no idea why. I thought it was because of stress from school. But I overlooked the fact that we had nationals and internationals coming up for synchro and we were pushed to work harder and eat healthier. That means I was eating less “junk” food and transitioned to eating very healthy. I’ve always eaten healthy, I just bumped it to the next level. Nonetheless, I was worried, but I was sure my period would return after the tasks I had to do for senior activities died down. But it didn’t. But I didn’t care.

I began to notice my abs appearing, and that became the forefront of my mind rather than getting my period back. I lost some weight, and felt amazing. People complimented me on my appearance too. I felt like a rock star.

Summer after graduating, I had dropped 10 lbs at the very least. I felt a little cold and weak, but the rush I felt looking at myself in the mirror was stronger than the tiny voice in the back of my head begging for more energy. When I went to internationals, there was a very noticeable difference in my body. I had dropped an additional 2 lbs or so, and during the meet, I probably lost even more since I barely ate and we swam all day.

The End-ish: Freshman Year College

Freshman year of college was when everything just went terrible. My friends had all moved to college, as well as my boyfriend at the time. I graduated from my synchro team, and I was just about to start community college. I lost so much weight. My family was terribly concerned. I had lost 30 pounds, and was miserable even though I thought it was going to make me happy. The number on the scale was my fuel rather than food. The drive to exercise and count calories was my fuel, not food. It’s scary how robotic and completely “in-your-head” you can become that you completely overlook the fact that you are just wiped out. I felt cold all the time. I became a little more irritable, but I didn’t show it that often because I am a people-pleaser (a common trait of those with EDs). I rode my bike everywhere and did workout videos. Your concentration is supposed to go too, but I still maintained A’s in my classes. I think it was because of my perfectionism (another common trait of people with EDs). However, I did find it difficult to read, a hobby I once enjoyed my whole life.

My friends came home and conducted an intervention. I spilled everything to them, but I still didn’t know I had an ED. I had just began researching what it was and what it meant. I wasn’t officially diagnosed, but I had a sneaking suspicion I had anorexia. My boyfriend (at the time) drove me home to tell my mom he was extremely concerned about me after we went to In-N-Out one night and I refused to have even just a bite of a french fry. I cried with my mom, and she promised that we would get help. On December 31st, 2013, I made my New Year’s Resolution to be happier and healthier in the physical and mental aspects.

I started my Instagram that night to keep me accountable and find people who were going through the same thing as me. I found an amazing and supportive community who have helped me along the way. I also met some incredible lifelong friends on Instagram who I really owe my life to.

The End-ish: End of Freshman Year of College until Now

I found a therapy place near me that I really enjoyed going to. I started to put on some weight, but it was on my own, and not really the best way since I was struggling to eat. I would eat a lot one day, then feel extremely guilty and exercise or restrict the next day/week. I did put on weight, but I wish I had done it with a professional. However, I was seeing a therapist and that helped with the emotional aspect. I never realized how emotionally driven EDs were until I started seeing her.

I stopped for a while because I had just started a new job, and I thought I was doing fine on my own. That’s what my ED told me at least. I started to pick up the habit of purging, and when it started to get really out of hand, I started going to group therapy towards the end of 2014 at the same place where I saw my therapist.

That  was when things finally started to pick up, for the most part. I did have a lot of set backs and temptations while I was in the program. Some days I wasn’t strong enough to overcome the thoughts, but what matters is that in the end, I was making progress. I was becoming stronger and finding my own voice throughout the whole process. I learned a lot about why and how my ED developed, and some coping skills to use whenever relapse seemed tempting. I didn’t use the skills all the time, in fact, when I first started therapy, I never used them. But overtime, I became so sick of being sick and tired that I forced myself to use the skills some of the times. And for the most part, they worked! If I worked at it and tried of course.

The more I practiced, the easier it became to just go towards my coping skills (like doing activities I enjoy that will distract me). I just stopped going to therapy about a month and a half ago. It was scary realizing that I wouldn’t be there anymore for 9 hours of the week, but I think I am doing pretty well on my own!

I am weight restored now and eating about 5x as much as I was before. I took a break from exercise too, which made me really appreciate exercise as a form of de-stressing and a fun activity rather than something I must do. I eat nutritious, but can have treats too.

I have to admit, sugar is still hard for me, but the journey is still going. I used to cry and scream about having this mental disorder, but I’m done having a pity party for myself. Everything happens for a reason, and the journey is what is shaping my future. I am blessed to have so many supporters in my life. I left out some details in this post, but I am not lying about anything. I am open and honest about my struggles now because I’ve learned that’s the best way to truly recover. I am not ashamed of admitting that I have an eating disorder because it’s just a part of my life journey. It is not me, it is something I have to learn to overcome.

If any of you are struggling hard, I recommend seeing a professional right away. It can take time to find one you connect with, but keep trying and don’t give up. It can take away your life. I was so consumed with my ED and so miserable, I wanted it to take my life. But now, I have so many new friends, I get to attend my dream school, UC Davis, and I get to help anyone who is willing to let me help them. I am so glad I didn’t give up because I wouldn’t have had these wonderful opportunities if I had let myself fall into ED’s death grip.

Please do not be ashamed to seek help. If you need to, email me at synchrogurl325@gmail.com

YOU are more than a number. YOU are more than ED. YOU ARE WORTH RECOVERY.